Revelations 07/10/12

This blog is entitled, “Revelations”, because I understood, debunked and realized how to fix the source of my current early twenties angst whist writing. Writing can truly be such a spiritual experience. I suggest it to any wobbly-to-completely steady (aka any) soul in all of the universe. If you’re looking for catharsis, therapy, self-reflection and a little bit of God all in one, take a quill to paper (or, you know, fingers to a keyboard-technology, crazy), and write it out, bu. So, if you still feel like reading, maybe you can learn from my trials and tribulations and not have to make the same judgment errors about your life that I have been making about mine. The point is, 9/10 we are, at least in some way, creating our own problems by not properly engaging in self-reflection. So read on, if you dare, and remember: our perspective is always limited when we’re only looking two inches ahead. We must learn to see from above. That’s what I’m working on.  I feel like my soul has evolved years (or at least weeks) in minutes. Check it:

When I think of all the changes that have occurred in my life in the past year, it is slightly overwhelming. I feel like life has been silently slipping by me without my total consent. My days have become sand through my fingers, and I feel like there's nothing solid to hold on to. I guess this is the transition into real adulthood, as opposed to fake (aka college) adulthood.

The terrain I tread upon is constantly evolving, and my feelings toward my path are changing, too. My feelings and ideas fluctuate on a moment-to-moment basis. Something particularly jarring hit me yesterday, when I was talking to my boyfriend, and realized I don't have someone in this state that fully shares my humor. Of course, he understands it, and respects it, I mean, I knew he was a keeper when I started singing “Mama Mia” to him in a Carly Rae Jepsen voice and he was totally on board with it…But he is not necessarily one to sing it back, and quite frankly, I don’t really feel I have found many others yet who would either. And though it may seem like a trivial thing, it struck me as much more heartbreaking. I've only met a handful of people in my whole life who totally see through my eyes on humor and every other level. That’s not to say I don’t have lovely, and even soul connections, with many of the people I know in this sunny state, but maybe I don’t connect with them on the same level of hilarity as I would with, say, my friend Jont.

Though, when I think of it, the fact that I haven't met anyone who completely shares my humor could be because I haven't completely shared my humor with anyone. What a concept. Could it be that the truth isn’t that people don’t get that side of me, but rather, that I am not letting anyone in enough to share my soul with in that deep way? I think I may have solved the shrine of the silver monkey. Temple guards, be gone.

After all, in every place I've ever lived, I have been able to find at least two-to-three, people who view the world similarly to how I do, especially in the things we find to be funny. This place is no different. And when I think about it, in most of the other places I’ve dwelled, it took a good year or two to find my place with these soul friends. Sometimes I had known these people loosely, or even been in a friendship with them for a couple of years before we connected on the insane level of quirkiness I possess within my heart.

I think that I never allow myself to feel settled in the beginning simply because it's easier to go into every situation saying, "Well, if it doesn't work out, no pain, no loss, I never fully settled into that place anyway." And living in this place is no different. If I don’t fully make a commitment, then I can’t get hurt. This is the same reason I decided to go to MSU ten days before school started, and even after I decided to go I still said all the while, “I’ll probably only go here a year and then transfer.” Low and behold, going to Michigan State turned out to be one of the best, if not THE best, decision(s) I have made. Every subsequent positive event I've lived has sprung up as a result of choosing that school. By closing myself off and not fully committing to the place I’m in and the people I’m with right now, I’m shutting myself out of so many beautiful roads that I might travel.

I think I have been afraid to connect to this place, also, because I am afraid that if I make too many serious connections here, I will lose all of my roots. How Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants of me. But really, I am afraid to lose my tie to my home, my family& my friends, fearing they would all be replaced by a new home, a possible new family, and new friends. I guess I am just now realizing that no one could ever be replaced. Yes, perhaps old friends and I will vacillate between being really close, to not so close, and back to close again, but the fear of losing a bond that has already been formed is no reason not to create new bonds. Everyone has to grow, everyone has to change: it does no good for anyone when you hold yourself back from being your most evolved self.

As open of a person as I am, I can still be very closed off (in such a subtle way, that even I hardly detect it), if I think there’s any risk of having my heart shattered into a million pieces. I guess this is partially due to the fact that I am a human being, but I must say, I don’t fully understand this subconscious mentality of mine, as, for the most part, the people I’ve come across and really let into my life have been nothing short of limitless blessings.

I really do have faith that I will meet/already know many California quirkballs who I will share many funny, and also deep, times with. Beyond that, regardless of the fact that most of my favorite jokesters are 3000 miles away, it’s still a pretty miraculous thing to have the feeling that somebody gets you on such a deep level. That’s really very cool. So here I am Los Angeles, with an open heart and mind. LA, let me say it here and now: I am ready to let you in a little bit, as long as you can promise not to be a flaky twat.

Sorry, I needed to get one last LA jab in there.

Okay. Now I am ready to let you in. You beautiful, diverse, kind, quirky, city full of beautiful, diverse, kind, quirky people. Because if you can see it, then you can believe it, and as a result, your ideal world will become reality. Let us choose to see the beauty in the world. And if we are really having a hard time finding it, choose to create it. With love and laughter.

Lo