I want to rid myself of this looming veil of sadness I always seem to carry with me. I regret to say that this wallowing feeling has been present in even my brightest moments. I guess it's not that it was present, but rather, that I knew it would return. Is that case, perhaps it was me that inserted it back into my life with my subconscious mind. Is this feeling part of being an artist? If so, I think I'd prefer to be a Buddhist artist. More zen. Best of both worlds...I wish I wanted something simple sometimes.
And honestly, it's not like this undercurrent of feeling even really bothers me. It certainly doesn't interfere with my everyday life. It's more of a dull ache that can be lived with forever. The worry is that it is keeping me from leading my BEST, most productive life. I'd rather just do some emotional physical therapy and work it out, so that I can get to the root of it and rid myself of this feeling forever. The truth of it is, unproductive emotions really have no place in a mover and shaker's existence. I see glimpses of true, pure happiness, and even bliss, but if you let the negativity creep in for even a second, it can be fairly easy to find yourself on a roller coaster of destructive thoughts.
One method to rid yourself of this, I think, is to feel what you need to feel, but recognize when you're creating something that isn't there or wallowing in an emotion that should have passed. I also notice this feeling tends to crop up when I try to control something that is out of my hands. I've written and theorized about this before, but clearly I need to reexamine it. The feeling that I had the ability to control something that turned out with an undesirable outcome provides an easy path to beating yourself up. As I always say, cliches are cliches for a reason, and if we can just learn to let go, let God, I think we can find our way to a more stable happiness. We simply need to acknowledge what we don't have power over and make sure to always do our best in every situation. If we can do these things honestly, then I feel the road to contentment will gently lay itself out in front of our feet.
This is something I am going to work on: acknowledging what I can and cannot control, and striving to do my best in every situation. I think this is a start.
More later!
Over and out,
Lauren :-D
